


letting you go

by Brie (Kura)



Series: Let The World Know [6]
Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Dean's past, M/M, Panic Attacks, love-hate-relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kura/pseuds/Brie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I needed to get away from you.'</p><p>Wow. That's... nice? And a bit more hurtful than he wants it to be. The words echo in his head, each one of it ripping him open like a straightjacket made of barbed wire. He has expected a lot (excuses, subterfuge, pathetic begging) but not that. So now Seth is blaming <i>him</i>?</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Dean finally meets up with Seth but the conversation turns out to be a lot different than he thought.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. so my sadness has turned to madness

**Author's Note:**

> This whole part is already so long that I decided to split it. I've written this before Smackdown but with the SD spoilers in mind. Still haven't seen SD and I don't want to until I'm completely done with this. And, I just wanted to make sure that every insult I used (no matter if it's to describe Seth or somebody else) isn't what I really think of those people. (Well, mostly XD) Have fun and be patient, we're getting to the good part.

_Are you there yet?_

Dean looks down at his phone, typing _yes, where the fuck are you_ while eyeing the place of their little meet-up. Of course Seth wouldn't choose a nice, fancy hotel (even though he certainly has the power and money for that now).

No, to meet with a stray dog like Dean it has to be a fucking back alley, hidden in the darkness, stinking of piss and alcohol. Nice to see how low even the almighty Seth Rollins can sink. He probably will disinfect his whole body once he's safely in his too expensive hotel before he wriggles back into Evolution's ass.

'Right behind you,' comes the unexpected answer and Dean turns around, all kinds of emotions battling for dominance inside of him. There's anger (a lot of it) and hatred, but also relief and the horrifyingly familiar feeling of _home_. He decides it's better to not show the latter ones. Dean is stronger than that.

'Well, well, if that isn't my former _business partner_. Oh my God, where's your suit? Don't tell me you don't like your new dress?' He's riling himself up to a point where there might be no turning back, but he's so happy to see Seth in his usual clothes that he wants to slap himself. A few days of separation and he would crawl back to that asshole like the unstable whiny bitch the other thinks he is.

Seth sighs and rubs over his face tiredly. Dean can hear the scratching sound of skin running over that beard and he wills his body to freeze before he walks over and grinds himself against Seth, desperate for some friction.

'I thought we agreed on focusing on us?' Fine. Point taken. 'Just enlighten me first, if Your Highness allows,' he grits out and watches with satisfaction how Seth's lips turn slightly downward. Yes, Dean has agreed to listen to Seth's pathetic excuses but that doesn't mean that he can't give the other as much shit as possible.

Seth nods, desperation flaring up in his dark eyes, and hops onto a small wall to get more comfortable. Dean will have to remind him that he meant it when he said five minutes and not a second more. He can be glad Dean didn't start the countdown yet.

He holds out his arms, pointing at Seth's choice of a place. 'Seriously?' Seth sighs again, finally understanding that this won't be a walk in the park. Dean is going to make him suffer and he has to survive all of it in order to start fighting back.

'No one will find us here,' he explains and Dean just shakes his head. 'No one would have found us in a fucking hotel room either,' he counters and kicks an empty beer bottle in Seth's direction because he can't handle the hopeful look on the other's face at the mention of a shared place. _Wrong message, Dean. Wrong message._

'Stop that,' he commands and Seth clears his throat, being the obedient little shit that he nowadays is. That alone pisses Dean off more than anything else. Where the hell was his friend? The one who didn't take crap from anybody, least of all Dean.

'You look good,' Seth finally offers but Dean won't have any of that. He's not here to listen to Seth flattering him (though it _is_ nice to hear that, even if a simple compliment won't cut it). 'Course I do,' he shoots back impatiently.

So far it seems like his plan is totally working out. Good. He didn't put on his best jeans and leather jacket for nothing. Dean wants Seth to lie in his bed later, rolling around on the satin bed sheets without being able to find any sleep, only thinking of Dean and what could have been but won't be anytime soon.

'How's your chin?' Seth whispers, as if he's afraid of the answer. Dean just shrugs, tilting his head to both sides. It's just a scratch and he won't die because of it, but he refused any kind of doctor's stuff to forever remind himself of who is responsible for messing up his face (when he had sworn to rearrange the other's).

Erick Rowan might have been the one doing the dirty work but it was Seth who unleashed that backwood cult wannabe lamb-lover in the first place.

They remain silent for a while, Seth sitting on the cold wall, Dean wandering around aimlessly. For some unknown reason he's reluctant to announce the beginning of the five minutes. It's just too nice to have Seth here with him. As long as they don't talk and ruin the peace with it he can pretend everything is just like it used to be.

They're hiding here, waiting for Roman because they have crashed yet another car and try to come up with a story about how it was 'coincidentally' stolen from them that very night. Roman usually goes to the cops, being soulful and intimidating at the same time (everyone believes him everything, it's like evil witchcraft or something), selling their bullshit story without blinking once.

But their car is still intact even though Dean is driving it for a whole week now. (Considering all the things that have happened, he should get a medal for that.) And the one not traveling along with them is the man sitting on front of him.

If he's being honest with himself, he does want to bash his freaking handsome head in but he also wants to know what the heck is going on in there.

'Sorry you couldn't beat me up,' Seth offers eventually, smiling a bit lopsided before he winces and closes his mouth again. Dean considers calling him out on fleeing the arena and running back to his mommy and daddy (really, how old is he? It's not like Dean chased after him with a fucking chainsaw) but decides against it. For now.

'There's a time and place for everything,' he answers instead, his own smile turning cruel and Seth swallows hard. They both know it'll eventually end up in a violent beating and Dean hopes that Seth is also aware of who's going to win it. Dean doesn't care what kind of detestable things he'll have to do to get his revenge, doesn't give a shit about his own body, as long as Seth won't be able to get up on his own after he's finished with him.

Seth inhales deeply, albeit a bit shakily, and asks, 'Wanna go at it now?' Hell yeah, any time but where would be the fun in that? 'What, and improve that face of yours without anyone to witness? Oh, I don't think so.'

He hears an uncertain chuckle and takes a step closer, wanting to catch every little detail of misery on the other's face. Because that is what he wants to think of tonight after he has shared everything with Roman. Dean wants to remember every bit of Seth's sadness and hopelessness, wants to revel in the despair and heartache he'll cause the other tonight.

And then he'll sleep safe and sound while cuddling up to Roman for the first time since Seth turned his back on them.

Before he can start the final countdown Seth speaks up, stalling time like the smart motherfucker he is. 'I'm booked for Main Event tomorrow.' He says it like it should mean something to Dean, so he brushes it off with a simple shrug and a, 'Good for you.'

Seth scratches his neck nervously, but his gaze is full of defiance. He will keep Dean here with him for as long as he can while squeezing the life out of him in the process. Dean is willing to let him, as long as he gets to see what he came here for.

'Hunter will ask me some more things in the ring. He wants to rub it in everyone's face and I can't... I just want you to never forget that the one walking around with Evolution is not _me_. That person is entirely fake.'

Dean smiles at his so called brother as cold and distanced as he can. 'I don't care.' The words make the same impact as a napalm, evaporating Seth's hope in an instant. Now that feels good.

Seth opens and closes his mouth several times, trying to come up with something to say, to pursue the conversation that he wanted to have, but it is of no avail. So Dean picks up the pieces for a change. 'You gonna fight?'

It's like watching a small kid finally getting the fire truck it has been wanting for its entire tiny life for Christmas. Seth's eyes lighten up, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, before he thinks about the question in earnest.

'I guess Dolph isn't done with me yet. At least, that's what he told me backstage today.' Dean has to force himself to nod as if he's actually interested in what Seth has to say, when in fact, he couldn't care less. He still doesn't understand why Dolph interferes in something that is only a business of The Shield.

'Showoff versus Sellout. You should try to hold onto him. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me,' he can't help but grit out, even though he would never share Seth with tight-pants Ziggler. Or anyone else. But Seth doesn't need to know that (though he probably is very aware of it already).

Before Seth can argue about that, he speaks up again. 'You finally have a new outfit?' Seth doesn't even hesitate for one second, just yells out an outrageous _No_ , as if it's ridiculous just asking about it. Which, hello, traitors don't get to wear the gear they double-crossed their brothers in.

'I thought I told you to get rid of it and put on a new one.' Seth looks at him like he's just kicked his newborn puppy. 'Dean,' he begs but he won't give into it this time. Dean knows why their outfit is so important to Seth (to all of them) and that he'd rather die than take it off but he's no longer a member of The Shield, no longer their brother.

'I meant it, Seth. You don't deserve it. Especially with our symbol on it.' Seth licks his lips and traces the cracks of the wall he's sitting with his fingers. Dean follows the movement with his eyes for a while. He's not so sure anymore that this meet-up was a good idea.

He gets the sinking feeling that it maybe is still too soon to stand face to face with Seth, talking about this stuff while being torn between resisting to fall back into old habits and keep up the straight face he has sworn to wear for tonight.

'I don't want to fight in trunks,' Seth confesses after a while and Dean listens to a police siren wailing its way past them before he answers casually, 'I'm sure it won't be that bad. You'll get used to it again in no time. And if you ever want to please us and piss of Triple H, you'll wear something blue.'

It's supposed to be a joke to lighten the mood (and since when is it Dean's job to do that?), but of course Seth takes it the wrong way. 'I'm not a substitute for Batista, nor am I part of the Evolution.' He's heard all of that before and he's so sick of it. Seth had never been one to ignore the truth but he's fooling himself with this. If he's going to say it one more time, he might finally believe it himself.

'Sorry to break it to you, but you are Hunter's bitch.' Seth looks like he wants to argue about that for the next year or so but decides against it, probably realizing that Dean is one hundred percent right. Instead he gets something else off his chest before Dean denies him that opportunity too.

'You know that from now on I'll have to interfere in your matches to mess with your head.' 'I'm aware of that, yeah,' he sighs, already getting pissed that Seth will fuck with him the same way he did in FCW.

As if it isn't bad enough that Seth got under his skin to destroy him from the inside out. No, now they'll also play mind games in front of the whole world and Dean can never get as personal as he wants to without revealing himself. God, this whole situation sucks.

'Kinda like a role reversal,' Seth chuckles quietly. Dean shouldn't be proud that this hasn't changed at all. But great minds do think alike. 'Should have known it'd bite me in the ass one day,' he retorts.

'And before you even try to say anything else, I'm telling you that your time starts now.' He makes a show of looking at his watch even though they both know that Dean will listen to Seth for exactly as long as he wants to. And when he's heard enough or not the things he came here for, he'll leave. (He kinda hopes he'll get to do that, because then Seth would learn the hard way how that feels.)

He can't even describe the satisfaction that wells up in his chest when Seth's eye go wide and nervousness takes over. He's making it a bit too easy for Dean.

'I needed to get away from you.'

Wow. That's... nice? And a bit more hurtful than he wants it to be. The words echo in his head, each one of it ripping him open like a straightjacket made of barbed wire. He has expected a lot (excuses, subterfuge, pathetic begging) but not that. So now Seth is blaming _him_?

It's Dean's fault that Seth has stabbed them in the back last week and joined Evolution? Yeah, no, he won't allow Seth to put that on him. Seth left on his own accord. If there had been a problem with him, why didn't he just try to talk about it? He never once shuts up but he couldn't share that?

And what the fuck is that even supposed to mean? For over one and a half years Seth has pursued him, pined over him, made Dean fall in love with him and then, all of a sudden, it's Dean's presence he can't stand? Fuck that.

He's one second away from leaving. Or throwing Seth into the dumpster where he belongs.

Dean breathes in, fingers balling into a fist, when Roman's voice rings through his head ( _Believe in him_ ), so he forces himself to calm down a bit. When he looks up again, he sees Seth watching him warily, like he expects a punch in the face because of that comment.

But Dean is saving that for another time. There are still four and a half minutes left for Seth to talk more shit.

'You do realize that this is not how you start an _I want you back_ conversation?' he asks, eyebrows drawn up as far as he can, and tilts his head. 'You're lucky Roman begged me to not kill you,' he adds, voice serious and unforgiving – while showing Seth that he still has a Samoan guardian angel that just saved his life. Or at least his pretty face.

Seth shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair, a few blond locks coming loose. Damn, Seth's smooth silky hair is one of Dean's weak spots and he suddenly wants nothing more than to ruffle and play with it. (Dean had always liked to braid it while Seth was sleeping, laughing his ass off when the younger woke up with hundreds of tiny braids he had to untangle.)

'He did?' Seth wants to know, hope lighting up his whole face. Dean has to bite himself on the cheek until he draws some blood. The metallic taste grounds him again, helps him fight off the urge to either tell Seth that no, those weren't Roman's exact words or ripping his head off.

Option two sounds very tempting.

'I'm not here to talk about Ro, so, come on big boy, let's hear what you have to say. Other than accusing me for you walking out on us and you insulting me.' Seth looks down ashamed (yeah, he better be) and fiddles with the hem of his thin Glamour Kills shirt. 'I'm not blaming you, Dean.'

Oh no? Because it kinda sounds like he does.

'Then please, explain yourself. I'm all ears,' he spits out, taking once again a step towards Seth who is looking up at him with his stupid puppy eyes. That might have worked until last Monday but Dean is now immune to Seth's most dangerous weapon. He keeps staring and waves his hand impatiently. 'Go on, we don't have all night.'

Seth jumps down from the wall and tries to walk up to him but Dean retreats out of sheer self-preservation. He needs to stay focused and away from the other. If he gets too close he might lose himself in those dark brown eyes.

He manages to keep a straight face when Seth shoots him a hurt look and slowly sits back on the stone again. 'I can't explain it better than that,' he apologizes and it's almost enough for Dean to lose it.

That's it? A pathetic _You made me leave you_? That's all he gets? 'Fuck you,' he barks and turns around, ready to leave this sack of shit behind for good.

'No, Dean, please,' he hears Seth babble behind him, shoes landing with a quiet sound on the ground before they trip over to him. 'That's not– Dean, _wait_!' And suddenly there's a hand on his shoulder, holding him back.

Before he even has time to blink he smashes his fist into Seth's face, smiling satisfied when the other stumbles back – shocked and not being able to believe his eyes. Fuck, that hurt (it was his already injured hand); yet he forbids himself to shake his fingers.

'I guess I deserve that,' Seth mutters after a few seconds, holding his jaw and trying carefully to move it. Dean secretly hopes he's broken it. 'There are more where that came from,' he warns, promises even, and puts once more some distance between them.

This time, he jumps onto the wall, finally able to let go of the tension stiffening his body. Punching Seth has never felt so good. He's ready to listen to some more bullshit. Seth still has a bit over two minutes left.

'Look, can we talk about this whole situation like two adults?' Seth asks, voice a tad bitter, his fingers still working on his jaw. He must have hit him pretty hard. Awesome.

'Oh, I don't know,' Dean singsongs, 'You sure you can reason with a lunatic?' Seth sighs loudly, shoulders sagging down. 'I didn't mean it. I told you, it's just show.' A very impressing and authentic one, which makes it so hard to ignore it.

'We didn't fake anything,' Dean makes sure that Seth knows exactly what his _brothers_ think about him. He can practically see how Seth goes through all of their insults from tonight, each one hitting him like a low blow of his sugar daddy's beloved sledgehammer.

Seth laughs awkwardly, hugging himself tightly as if he is cold but Dean knows that he only tries to ground himself, now that Dean is unwilling to do it. (And just how ironic is that? The maniac anchors the oh-so-hardy turncoat. He's once felt so honored by that. Now it seems like a bad joke.) 'It's just like when we first met, right?' He rubs over his arms, faking a chill and Dean sighs inwardly.

'Oh no, back then I had no idea what a spineless, backstabbing, pitiful excuse of a human being you are.' Seth lowers his gaze again (seriously, they're not teenagers anymore) and whispers almost fondly, 'You called me a question mark.' Dean just snorts and shrugs off his jacket to throw it at Seth, finally giving the other what he so direly needs.

Seth catches it, face twisting back and forth between joy and wariness, but then he just slips into it like he's never done anything else. He has worn Dean's clothes more often than Dean likes to remember and he has to admit that Seth still looks as good in them as he used to.

'I wasn't cold,' he unnecessarily points out, making Dean huff out an annoyed, 'I know.'

Seth inches closer, ignoring the low warning growl Dean lets out, hands rubbing over his upper arms; his fingers barely visible under the slightly too long sleeves. It's fucking adorable and Seth knows it. He's even going so far as to use it to his advantage, tapping the tips on the leather when he catches Dean's (probably longing) stare.

God dammit. This is a lot harder than he thought it would be.


	2. inside i'm a prisoner of my own hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation continues. This is how the last part ended:
> 
> _'I wasn't cold,' he unnecessarily points out, making Dean huff out an annoyed, 'I know.'_
> 
> _Seth inches closer, ignoring the low warning growl Dean lets out, hands rubbing over his upper arms; his fingers barely visible under the slightly too long sleeves. It's fucking adorable and Seth knows it. He's even going so far as to use it to his advantage, tapping the tips on the leather when he catches Dean's (probably longing) stare._
> 
> _God dammit. This is a lot harder than he thought it would be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's a panic attack in here. Thought I'd warn you. (TMI: This is actually how I experienced my most memorable panic attack after my mom asked me a simple question that turned my whole world upside down.) So yeah, that's that. Also, there will be one more chapter for this. Hope you're all still having fun <3

'Alright, your five minutes are almost up and I haven't heard a single thing I can work with. You need to help me out here,' he finally concludes, sounding way less aggressive than he intended to. That ninja goob makes him soft and they both know it.

Seth leans against a wall, now playing around with the zipper. 'I wanted, needed, I don't know– I just had to get a break from being around you and I didn't know how.' He doesn't offer an explanation on why Dean's presence bothered him so much and Dean is too proud to ask.

'And then Triple H came to me, trying to lull me with his speech about adapting and evolving and how I am the only one he needs, how he can make me big. All of the crap you can imagine.' Dean doesn't say anything. It's pretty obvious that some of that alleged _crap_ has worked on his former brother.

'I'm not interested in Evolution or his offer, even if I took it. I know it doesn't look like it but I wanted to protect you and Roman.' Dean scoffs, murmuring, 'You did a bang up job there, buddy.' Seth sighs frustrated, rubbing the cuffs of Dean's jacket all over his face. 'Dean, come one,' he begs but Dean has had enough. This conversation doesn't live up to what he has expected.

'You know, I can see your mouth moving all the time, but all I can hear is some whining, half-assed bullshit that doesn't change a thing.'

Seth sucks in some air and opens his mouth to be the rebel Dean wanted to fight alongside for the rest of their lives, but the only thing coming out is Dean's name. Like he thinks if he just calls him by it often enough, it'll calm him down. This is not the time for psychological mumbo-jumbo and Seth should know better than to try it on Dean Ambrose of all people.

He slides down from the wall and squares his shoulders, lets his body announce his upcoming departure. 'If you don't have anything of importance to say,' he warns but Seth cuts off his path and holds up his hands, all the while making sure to not touch him again.

'Dean,' he sighs, obviously at the end of his rope and a wave of pride hits Dean, making it easier to breathe. For the past few minutes his chest had felt like it would explode at any second. 'Just... forget for one moment what I did in the ring.'

Dean barks out a sharp laugh that hurts his throat. That kid has some damn nerves to be asking for it. No chance in hell Dean (or Roman) will ever let go of that. The damage is done and no matter what Seth does in the future, there is no way of erasing that out of the history books.

'Forget it. _Forget it?_ ' He can _forget_ the loss of his baby (he'll win her back one day), he can _forget_ that Roman once accidentally farted in his face last year, he can _forget_ getting knocked out by CM Punk, so that Jake 'The Snake' Roberts could throw his slimy snake on him.

Seth betraying them, attacking his brothers, joining the fucking enemy, now that is something he won't even think about letting go of anytime soon. 'You know what, Seth? You are in no position to tell me _it doesn't matter_ ,' he mimics one of the trademark statements of Roman's cousin, berserk rage rushing through his veins like a blazing fire.

'Because it does, Seth. It fucking does.' Seth seems to come to the same conclusion, because his whole body language changes with each and every word of Dean. A few minutes ago, Seth had been confident yet afraid but now he seems practically crestfallen and crushed.

'I thought we would be talking about us?' he murmurs, voice throaty and impossibly sad. God, he is driving Dean insane with his grief-stricken puppy face. 'We _are_ talking about us,' he shoots back angrily. 'It's all we're doing these days. Talking and talking and getting nowhere.'

Seth knits his eyebrows, determination settling on his features. _Fucking finally_. Took him long enough to get to the point of this whole stupid encounter. (And Dean is too curious what'll happen now to tell the other that the five minutes are over.)

'Dean, I know we've never been an official thing but I also know now that it's, no, _you_ are the only thing I want.' Dean starts pacing the small alley, suddenly feeling like the walls are closing in until it's just him and Seth with no safety zone between them.

'I don't care about what _you_ want anymore, Seth Rollins. You pestered me for over two years, tried to woo me and make me fall in love with you,' he starts shouting, glad that they're in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, where no one gives a crap about some pissed off yelling; not caring that he's kinda lying to Seth (but he's mad and hurt and no one can blame him for trying to protect himself).

'And then, the very moment I think that it's safe to give you a real chance at proving you're worth it, you bailed on me. You walked out on us in March and I knew I had made a horrible mistake allowing you–'

'Dean, come on,' Seth interjects, voice shaking as much as his hands and Dean wants to rip his jacket off the other, hating himself for even being so weak and giving it to him in the first place. Old habits obviously die hard.

He doesn't care what Seth has to say about this. He is not done with telling his side of the story and Dean needs to get this off his chest, so he can get Seth out of his system and move on.

'Shut up and listen to me. After the summit it was Roman who told me you didn't mean it like that, we were still brothers, that nothing has changed. All that crap that we both regret by now. So I jumped over my own shadow, let you back in just to see you acting all weird whenever we were alone.

'I watched you for two months climbing the walls of your own mind until I finally knew what was wrong with you last week. You joined Evolution for a reason, Seth, no matter how much you try to deny it. There was something wrong with you, me, us, whatever you wanna call it and it made you abandon us for good. It's just that this time there's no forgiveness waiting for you.'

He breathes heavily, but feels free for the first time since all this has happened. He finally said his piece; something that he had wanted to tell Seth during Raw but didn't – to not get in any trouble. He doesn't need anyone to know he followed that dipshit architect around like a lost, lovestruck puppy, eager for any kind of attention.

Seth looks at him, begs him with his eyes alone to take back what he just said. When Dean stays stubbornly silent, he tries to reach out and grab Dean's wrist but he just bats the hand away with more force than necessary.

'Dean, please, I can still fix this. I've realized how much you mean to me and that I do want to be with you. If you give me some time, I can fix this,' he begs, each word stabbing painfully into Dean's chest, neutralizing his defense mechanism in the process.

But he doesn't want to give up. Dean needs to think about himself for once. And about Roman, who is so supportive of everything concerning Seth but also terribly afraid of losing Dean to the other because the heart wants what the heart wants or some poetic shit like that.

If Seth won't be silenced by the truth, then Dean has to hurt him in another way to make sure he chokes on his words as if he's swallowing a handful of rusty nails, forced down his throat by Dean himself. 'You should have that on a shirt, before it gets old.'

'Dean, I mean it, I can fix us,' Seth repeats and Dean is already tired of hearing that. Seth can thank his lucky stars that he's blocking Dean's way or else he'd leave right now. All he has heard from Seth so far doesn't mean a thing. The boy won't fight like Dean wants him to. Instead he just resorts to begging even though he knows that Dean can't be softened up by that.

'What if I don't want you to? Whatever there has been between us, it's gone now. It's not broken, Seth, do you hear me? There is nothing to fix, because it's _not broken_. It's _gone_.'

He has done it. Delivered the final punch without touching Seth. He can watch how that verbal blow knocks the wind out of his supposedly best friend and how Seth struggles to not fall down on his knees. And it's not because he doesn't want to stain his ridiculously skinny jeans with the fluids that creep around on the ground below them.

'Dean, I love y–' His fist connects with Seth's jaw once more, shoving the words back down to where they belong. He doesn't want to hear it, _never_ wants to hear that (who is he kidding? He would have sold his soul to the fucking devil to hear it just once, even if it had been in Seth's sleep or a badly disguised joke or in the heat of the moment). Not anymore.

'Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare say that out loud.'

A cheap heinous _I love you_ is Seth's ultimate trump card to guide the conversation back to a path that will end in all the things Dean does not want right now. Like leaving Roman to crawl back into Seth's arms. Or listening to Seth telling him what they could do together, how wonderful it would be. How they could conquer the world.

He doesn't doubt it, not one second, but Seth has to understand that he's too late to demand it. To even friendly ask for it. Dean is not his to win over anymore, even though there are undoubtedly a lot of feelings still simmering inside both of them.

If Seth wants to be in a relationship with Dean so badly, then he better starts to understand that this will need a lot of time. The moment Dean is able to think of Seth without his heart aching like someone drives a sword into it repeatedly, without his chest constricting or his eyes starting to burn, then and only then will Dean allow himself to believe again.

Not yet in them but just in the dream that one day they can get back something akin to what they've lost last Monday.

Dean does want to smile again every time he sees Seth (and not in the _I'm gonna kill and destroy you_ way) while his mind goes blank and he starts talking gibberish (kinda like when he's trying to imitate the Siva Tau from Jimmy and Jey, and Roman is laughing at him for a good hour straight), his knees give out and it suddenly gets unbearably hot in the room.

He wants a date for fuck's sake. One where Roman isn't there to hold their hands. Nothing fancy like candlelight dinner and red roses; he's not the guy for stuff like that. Just him and Seth, that's all he needs to be happy.

But Seth beating him up with the steel chair, giving him the curb stomp, handing his ass over to the Evolution has cracked something inside of Dean and Seth can't fix that. No one, other than Dean himself, can. Right now, he's not sure if he even will do it, because he likes his wounds raw and open to never forget where he got them from.

Seth is coming closer, desperation rolling off of him in waves that crush Dean, even make him nauseous to a point he has to swallow down some bile multiple times (he kinda would love to know how Seth would react if he'd threw up all over him but then again it's not so funny if the other isn't wearing one of his punk ass suits).

'Dean, I mean it. I lov–' This time he punches Seth so hard that blood starts to trickle down his bearded chin and he does fall down because he trips over his own feet while staggering back. Dean's arms twitch; they want to help Seth up but he forbids himself any body contact.

Seth is a grown up man, has shown his brothers that he doesn't need anyone and Dean won't start to feel sympathetic for him just because his pants are getting soaked with whatever. He chose this stupid place for his heart-to-heart, so he is the only one to blame for this.

'You don't get to say that anymore!' He screams his frustration and anger (and agony) out into the starry night, hands itching to hit Seth one more time, just for good measure.

Seth, finally showing Dean the man he learned to respect before he fell for him, stands up again, bloody fingers reaching out for him. This time he doesn't shy back, desperate to stand his ground at the face of evil handsomeness and the wonderful feeling of brotherhood and safety.

'But I need you to hear it,' Seth begs and Dean almost believes him. He's almost falling for it when Seth spits out some blood and Dean's eyes fixate on the red liquid shining on the black ground. He's so tired all of a sudden, could lie down and sleep right here in a puddle of urine, blood and cheap beer, just to escape the world and Seth.

In the end, it's not good enough.

'I know it already, okay? I get it. You love me,' he spits out, the words burning his throat like acid. 'Doesn't change a thing because your love fucking kills me. You hear me? _It kills me!_ ' He's flying off the handle, doesn't know what to think or say anymore. Dean is just sure about one thing and that's that he has to get away from Seth right now.

But there's no way out, Seth's body still cleverly blocking the way (and in his dazed mind his ex-friend looks ten times bigger than Dean knows he actually is). He is trapped in this shabby back alley, the whole world closing in on him.

He knows what's coming now, has gone through it more times than he cares to remember, but as usual, he's also not able to stop it. This will be the first panic attack in years and it's just because Dean finally got the confirmation that the person he allowed himself to love feels exactly the same; but there is no chance of a happy ever after.

It's pathetic that this is the reason for his chest to seize up and his lungs to stop working. Dean knows his whole body will start shaking every second now but he sincerely hopes that Seth won't see it. He doesn't want anyone to know about this side of him, because Dean has buried that part a long, long time ago together with the memories of his childhood.

He is a different person today, better and stronger than the kid he's once been. He has worked so hard to get his life in fucking order, and Dean won't let himself be defeated by his wimpy feelings for Seth Rollins.

Yet he stands here, Seth's blood on his hand and a panic attack rolling over him full force. He prays to a God he never believed in that he won't start crying like he used to, biting his cheek as hard as he can to divert his attention from his burning eyes. His vision gets blurry but he doesn't feel any wet streaks on his cheeks. Not yet anyway.

'Dean?' Seth asks, concern written all over his face but Dean pushes him away, barely able to stand on his own. There are weird sounds ringing in his head and he realizes belatedly that it's him, coughing and wheezing, trying with all his might to remember how to draw in air.

'Dean, what's wrong with you? Dean, come on, breathe with me. In and out.' Seth is begging him, trepidation flaring up in his eyes but Dean is too far gone; the words are lost on him. It’s like someone lowered the volume around him, tuned out the world. The only thing he can hear is the deafening sound of the rugged heartbeat in his ears.

He somehow manages to shove Seth out of the way before he bends down and tries to empty his stomach, but his body is only able to dry heave. 'Dean!' he hears someone scream so loud that he tries to follow the voice with his head, desperate to escape the thick fog clogging up his mind.

He's breaking to pieces and there's no one there to help him. No brother to hold him up, no partner to ground him. He's falling into the pitch black darkness that is only fueled by fear and hysteria. Dean can't remember how he escaped it in his childhood, can't recall even a single coping mechanism. It's all gone and he is slowly suffocating.

 _I'll never leave you_ , a voice tries to break through the madness but it's weak and too loud at the same time. He knows that voice, loves to hear it every day of his life and his body knows instinctively that it's home; safety. It's where he belongs.

It keeps on talking, reassuring him, but he can't make out a face. All he can concentrate on is the overwhelming desire to breathe. He doesn't even care if he'll suck in the darkness again. _Dean_ , it calls him softly, a tiny light breaking through the shadows.

'Dean!' His cheek suddenly stings like hell and he blinks confused, tries to piece together the information flooding his brain. There's a familiar face in front of him, the bleached patch almost blinding his eyes. Distantly he realizes he just got slapped.

Sadly, it's not enough to calm him down.

'Dean? Dean, I'm here. It's okay, just breathe. Man, talk to me. Should I go get someone?'

 _No_ , he wants to scream, _don't you dare leave me alone right now_ , but there's no sound coming from his mouth, other than cut-off gasps and heavy pants. This all started because of him, so he better stay with Dean until it's all over.

(He definitely doesn't want to think about it later, once he's calmed down, but all the voices inside his head are screaming at Seth, begging the other to safe him. He's suffocating and he needs Seth to reach down into the darkness and pull him out before he gets buried beneath.

His panic attacks have always tried to teach him a lesson – even if he didn't want them or ignored it right after the assault had subsided – and this one practically screams at him that he's tried to live without Seth and failed miserably. He'll do everything in his power to overlook this epiphany.)

'What am I supposed to do?' Dean opens his mouth and tries to explain that this will pass in a few minutes, that he will be okay. He's had so many panic attacks in his life already that it's actually a miracle he hasn't had one for almost a decade.

All he needs to do is wait it out and convince his lungs to do their job. Seth has turned him around by now, is crouching in front of him and Dean tries to focus on the red blood oozing out of his nose while the insides of his chest seems to shrivel down like a grape turning into a raisin in fast motion. Isn't there any air left in this world for him to suck in?

'I don't– I'm gonna– just don't punch me for it, okay?' Seth pleads and grabs him by the collar to yank Dean's whole body against himself before he presses his lips on Dean's mouth. The shock and the awfully familiar sensation is enough to short-circuit his brain, and it’s finally able to reboot.

His first coherent thought is _What the hell is going on?_ And then it's like someone turned up the volume of the vibrant life around them – cars honking, people laughing, strange music blasting in a nearby club. It's all there again.

So is Seth, still plastered to his mouth and Dean can feel his limbs again, as shaky as they might be. He uses his last bit of strength to thrust Seth aside, sucking all the chilly night air into his lungs while rubbing over his face. Still no tears. Gotta be grateful for the small favors in life.

'The fuck was that?' he pants, wiping his mouth to show Seth that the kiss isn't cherished. (Even though all he really wants to do is repeat it and repeat it again until their lips are swollen and Dean can taste nothing else than himself on Seth.)

Seth shrugs sheepishly, flashing him a tiny smile. 'I thought you'd hate me so much if I did it that you'd stop dying on me.' 'I wasn't _dying_ ,' he retorts, half-annoyed, half-thankful and wobbles to the wall to drag himself up again. 'How was I supposed to know? You definitely looked the part.'

Dean closes his eyes and leans his head against the cold stone while he's waiting for the moment he'll have full control over his body again. This wasn't the worst anxiety attack he's ever had but it was definitely the most embarrassing one. So far he's never had an audience and Seth is the last person on earth he'd wanted as a witness.

Seth coughs awkwardly and Dean opens his eyes again, watches the other get up and wipe away the blood from his chin. He's only half successful; there's still a lot of it smeared across his face. 'So, what was that?' Dean scoffs. It's pretty obvious what just happened. Yet he answers anyway, 'Panic attack. It’s actually quite the fun. You should try it too one day.'

He can't define Seth's look but it's unsettling him and that's exactly what he doesn't need after the ordeal he has just gone through. 'You had a panic attack,' Seth points out and Dean's fingers itch to connect with his very punchable face again. 'You deaf? I just told you I did.'

Seth snickers (like what the heck?) and sighs happily before he starts laughing out really loud, holding his stomach with his hands. 'Oh, that's funny to you?' Dean bites out but is still too drained to get really angry at the other.

'No, sorry, it's not, I swear,' Seth presses out between violent bouts of laughter – a relieved one, Dean recognizes after a while – and props himself up on the wall next to Dean. 'Actually, I've never been so scared in my whole life,' Seth admits, turning his head to look at Dean. 'But you gotta admit, that's some good news.'

'How on earth is that good?' Dean roars, anger flaring up in him. He doesn't like being made fun of and Seth is already on very thin ice. 'Don't you get it? You got a panic attack right after you realized that I love you,' Seth explains and for a second Dean only sees red, but the ire ebbs away as fast as it conquered him.

There is no use in denying anything anymore, Seth is too smart to let himself be deceived.

'Doesn't mean it changes a thing,' he stubbornly replies and gets pinned to the stony surface when he tries to walk away. Seth looks him in the eyes, a cocky smile gracing his lips. 'It changes _everything_. You just showed me what I knew all along.'

He pushes his way out of Seth's grip, happy to be able to move again and runs his fingers through his hair, just to do something other than throttling Seth. 'And what would that be, princess?' There's a quiet chuckle following his question before he hears the one answer he never wanted to get. (Because it makes everything undeniably real.)

'My love doesn't kill you. It has changed you, even liberated you.'

Seth looks like he just beat every existing CrossFit record. Dean is torn between enjoying what he sees and slapping that jubilant look off his face. It bothers him a lot that Seth knows exactly how his mind works. The other can read him like the damn Bible. Dean Ambrose obviously has been translated into every fucking language, so that even the dumbest, most inapt two-toned backstabbing dork can easily see through him.

'Don't,' he warns Seth or himself – he doesn't really know anymore – and even though Seth stops laughing and joins him at the wall again, Dean knows that they've reached the point of no return. He can't lie through his teeth like Seth, can't say anything that will erase the past few minutes. The truth is out there and Dean will have to live with it.

He's horribly tired and ready to go back to the hotel. He's heard enough (not from Seth but from his own mind) and he'll have to think about all of this before he can talk to Seth again.

But then the backs of their hands touch and it's like a spark of electricity runs through his body, jolting him awake. (Well, this is kind of what he wanted, isn't it? He should be careful what he wished for.) Dean is dead certain that it wasn't just a coincidence.

That manipulative little bastard.

He does it again and again while they stay silent and each touch sets Dean's entire body on fire. He's almost reached the point where he can't stand any more contact when Seth plucks up his courage and just entwines their fingers.

It's a natural reflex that he wants to yank his hand free but Seth has seen this reaction coming and holds onto him as if his dear life depends on it. Dean sighs audibly and lets Seth hide their joined hands in his own jacket's pocket while trying to relax. Seth isn't here to harm him more than he already has and this is a step in the right direction. Wherever that path will lead them.


	3. i'm my own worst enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here's the last part. This is how the last part ended:
> 
> _He does it again and again while they stay silent and each touch sets Dean's entire body on fire. He's almost reached the point where he can't stand any more contact when Seth plucks up his courage and just entwines their fingers._
> 
> _It's a natural reflex that he wants to yank his hand free but Seth has seen this reaction coming and holds onto him as if his dear life depends on it. Dean sighs audibly and lets Seth hide their joined hands in his own jacket's pocket while trying to relax. Seth isn't here to harm him more than he already has and this is a step in the right direction. Wherever that path will lead them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings, no nothing. Just a nice ending to an exhausting conversation. Sorry this took me so long. The news of Dean and Roman splitting up on good terms kinda broke me and I had to recover from that first. (But then again, we finally get more Mox vibes and Seth's new ring gear is awesome. I love it! More if the shirt is on but I'm just weird like that XD) Have fun and I'm gonna watch Smackdown now (Gotta love people who share their stuff before it airs. I'd have to wait till Sunday and I caaaaaan't).

Seth's attention is solely focused on their hands, so Dean takes the opportunity to grab his phone and blindly write a text to Roman. He prays he types what he wants to ( _Can you come pick me up? I'm not ready for this yet_ , plus the address) and hopes that he won't think of this as an act of cowardice tomorrow morning.

This whole situation is just too much to handle right now and Dean would like to make things out with himself before he thinks about any possible future step.

He feels dizzy and miserable when he forces his hand to part from Seth's, misses the comfortable warmth the second the cold night air hits his skin. To cover up the awkward silence (and Seth's disappointment), he walks around a few steps before he turns back to the other and looks at him expectantly.

'So, what's the plan?'

Seth's smile comes back full force and Dean instantly regrets asking. But he has to bridge the waiting time somehow and he'd very much like to know what Seth wants to do to charm Dean once again.

'Oh, I thought that we'd continue our feud, you know irritate and annoy the shit out of each other, interfere in our business,' Seth starts rambling happily but Dean shakes his head and butts in, 'No, not _that_ plan.'

Seth's mouth forms an adorable 'o' before he averts his gaze and fiddles with Dean's jacket again. 'What? You don't have one to save me from the ditch I'm gonna end up in, uh roughly six days?' he asks, voice too thin and angry to be mistaken for sarcasm. Seth's words still echo in his head, adding insult to injury.

Seth stays quiet, unable to come up with something witty or pathetic to response, so Dean automatically uses the silence to his advantage. 'You're not scared Roman will let his unstoppable hate and fury out on me? You don't wanna be my Prince Charming?'

Not that he needs anyone to control Roman, because that man isn't a machine powered by those things. No, that's only Dean. (Everything is always so personal with him.) Roman Reigns is the sweetest, most protective guy Dean has ever met and he would never hurt someone if it isn't strictly necessary.

'You know I said that to please Triple H,' he finally whispers exasperated, like Dean is a stubborn child that won't take no for an answer. There's just one more thing Dean wants to add, one more thing that's bugging him because he hates being called a leftover or part of a broken faction.

'And just so you don't forget, Ro and I owe you nothing. You didn't create us, nor were you responsible for our success. We might be the, hm, what words were used? Oh yeah, the pathetic remnants of The Shield but at least we can still look each other in the eyes.'

Seth sighs – he's never heard him do that this often in just one conversation – and pinches the bridge of his nose tiredly. 'Dean, I have to call you an impotent lunatic and Rome a mindless, aggressive robot. I can't go out there now and compliment you on your handsome features or whatever you want to hear from me. If Hunter or anyone else finds out what I'm really doing, I'll probably end up six feet under.'

Dean wants to say that it's entirely Seth's fault for pulling off this stunt by himself but the words won't come out. Maybe because the other looks like he's one insult away from actually breaking.

'Alright, I got it out of my system and you know that Ro and I aren't joking around in the ring. Perfect timing to come back to your _brilliant_ plan regarding us,' Dean concludes and turns to the right to take a look at his watch. Roman should be here in maybe five minutes, depending on when he read the message.

He really hopes his brother will come and drag him away from here because Dean is sure he can't leave without turning back at one point. He needs Roman to prevent him from rushing back to that ninja turtle.

Seth isn't as eager to talk about this as he's been moments ago and Dean guesses it's because he doesn't have a precise plan for them yet. Or because Dean hasn't reacted the way he'd envisioned and the thought alone makes him unbelievably proud, because Seth Rollins always has a plan, always thinks ahead. Yet Dean is the only thing he can't predict. Never has been able to.

'Roll with the flow?' Seth shrugs and Dean laughs shallowly. 'Stop kidding, I wanna know how you'll bug me from now on.' Seth kicks an empty bottle out of the way. 'I don't know. I guess, I'll do everything I already did.'

So he can expect random kisses and snuggling sessions, unplanned, sappy displays of love and Seth following his every step. Just with the extra stipulation that all of that won't happen during work time ever again. No, Dean is safe there – well, most of the time. But that also means... Oh, he must be kidding. No way. Not with him. Dean is better than that.

'How do you expect this to work, huh? You betray and attack us, join Evolution and cuddle with those cream puffs at night but whenever your head is not stuck in Triple H's ass you make a booty call?' There's a flash of guilt in Seth's eyes and Dean feels his temper flare up again. What is that idiot even thinking?

'Oh, I'm gonna be your dirty little secret? You know what? Fuck you, Seth. I might not be everybody's darling but I still deserve better than that,' he roars, fingers curling into fists. He knows he can be glad for every partner that chooses to be with him; that there aren't a lot of people who have enough patience to put up with him and his antics but that doesn't mean that he has to degrade himself to become someone's little bitch.

He'd rather die lonely and forsaken than try to please an ungrateful asshole that treats him like shit.

Seth shakes his head a few times before he steps closer to put his hands on Dean's shoulders. Whatever he will say now must be important because he won't allow Dean to avert his gaze, grabbing his chin with two fingers, forcing him to look into those mesmerizing brown eyes.

He's drowning in them before he even gets the chance to steel himself to stay strong. He's never been able to resist them. That damn newborn puppy charm.

'I know,' Seth eventually whispers, impossibly sad but tenacious and Dean has to blink several times to understand what just happened. For a moment he doubts that he's really heard Seth agreeing with him.

'I deserve better than _you_ ,' he points out once more, voice steady and cold, hell-bent on delivering the final blow. Seth still holds his chin firmly between his fingers but Dean can feel them start to shake and slip until Seth is forced to either retreat or reinforce his grip.

Surprisingly he doesn't move even an inch. There's a small, dejected smile dancing across Seth's face, turning his whole demeanor into a sorrowful one and Dean's heart starts to beat violently in his chest.

He's suddenly horribly afraid that this is it. That Seth will give up on him because Dean is too stubborn and mean; because he's not worth all the trouble. (Deep down, he really wants to be. Just once.)

He might deserve more and someone better than Seth but that little dork is still the only person he wants to have in his life. As a brother, a soul mate and a lifelong partner. It's always been Seth, friend or foe.

'I know, Dean. I know,' Seth repeats and lets got of Dean's chin. For a painfully long moment Dean feels dizzy and like he's falling apart without Seth holding him in place, but then Seth's face comes closer and the other rests his forehead on Dean's.

So they are both aware that Dean is worthy of more. Hell, even Seth thinks he's not good enough which is... new to Dean. He's never met another person who thought that Dean is more desirable than any other human being.

He's never been wanted by someone else, never been put on a pedestal, never been worshiped like this. And yet, here he is, denying himself (and the one person he wants with every fiber of his being) their heart’s desire.

'I know,' Seth whispers again, warm breath ghosting over Dean's skin. It tickles but it makes the moment weirdly personal – this is definitely the most intimate one they've ever shared; including all the kisses the younger has shamelessly stolen from him.

'But I don't want to lose you,' he adds, fingers creeping their way back to his face, holding him securely in place. He wouldn't have the energy to break free anyway, but Seth doesn't need to know that.

'I'm right here,' Dean answers truthfully, all defiance and anger gone for the moment. His body is melting away under Seth's careful touch and all Dean can do is close his eyes before he sinks deeper into those chocolate brown eyes.

They stay like this for a few seconds or maybe a whole lifetime, Dean can't tell the difference. He concentrates on the breath grazing his cheeks and the goose pumps running up and down his body.

There's a moment of awkward silence when Seth falters a bit before he exhales; Dean almost opens his eyes to see what's wrong, but then Seth is kissing him – desperate and sloppy –, like he's has forgotten how to properly do it or he's terrified that Dean will beat him to a bloody pulp.

But Dean doesn't even have the will to fight in him anymore. Not that he particularly wants to break the kiss anyway. He likes to think that he's entitled to this one before he hides behind all his forts again and they go back to hating each other's guts.

Before Roman comes to pick him up. This is only about him and Seth, and as much as he loves Roman, he's not keen on sharing this with his brother.

Seth seems to be perplexed that Dean hasn't moved a single muscle, let alone responded to the kiss in any way. Surprised and a bit unsure which is probably why he takes a step back to look at Dean, just to dive into his personal space once more, crashing against Dean's mouth like the impatient, enthusiastic, risk-taking boy he is.

It's a brutal kiss (Dean is tempted to call it a biting contest), physically hurting more than it's sensual but it also yanks Dean out of his numbness, making him grab Seth's silky hair; torn between pushing him away and pulling him in closer.

In the end (the moment he tastes blood without knowing for sure if it's Seth's or his own), he just gives up and lets Seth do whatever he wants to. Dean isn't ready to deal with the consequences of this yet and he is so not willing to take on the responsibility for this make-out session. He hopes Seth won't read too much into his behavior until Dean knows what to make of this.

Seth seems to come to his senses again because he stops trying to chew off Dean's bottom lip like a starving wolf and instead kisses him tenderly, almost trying to caress Dean's bruised lips with his own.

He enjoys this more than he should but thankfully his body doesn't betray him in the most crucial moment. It's not showing any signs of arousal – even though this _is_ pretty nice – helping him to get rid of Seth without actually doing anything.

His former brother eventually breaks the kiss but refuses to move away. Instead he almost nuzzles Dean's nose with his own while their foreheads touch again. It's a companionable silence they share but it sadly doesn't last long. Seth has much more questions than Dean can ever answer.

'Why are you so hell-bent on holding a grudge against me?'

And this is definitely one of them. Why isn't he asking about Roman, who also hasn't forgiven Seth? (He is perfectly aware of the _why_ but at this moment he'd take any way out of this conversation.)

Dean sighs and pushes his way past Seth to get some space and be able to just breathe. He has never told his brothers about his past, only ever barely grazed over it so they would know the most basic things. But the answer to this question lies in there and Dean has to open up some more to help Seth understand that he really did commit the most unforgivable sin.

It's easier for him to speak about this when he's not facing Seth. He doesn't want to see _the look_ on the other's face. The one he always gets when he tells parts of his story. He needs no sympathy and he sure as hell won't accept it – not even from a brother.

He sucks in some air and clears his throat before the words tumble out of his mouth. He's not really ready for this but he most likely never will be, so now is as good as any other day. And Roman will be here soon anyway, finally tugging him out of the danger zone.

'My whole life I was a loner because everyone who got close to me ended up leaving, betraying and hurting me. Everyone. After a few years I realized that something inside of me was not right and it made people leave me, so I stayed away from them, denied myself so-called friends in order to not get abandoned again. I tried to protect myself from them, but also shielded other people from me.'

Seth gasps and Dean knows he wants to cut in but Dean just continues to talk, throat unpleasantly tight, the truth hurting his mouth like razor blades. There's the first initial cut that sets you free, the first sight and taste of blood that grounds you, but then there's the raw flesh complaining about being ripped apart against its will by stinging sharply.

Telling Seth all this is a gift and a curse. Things will never be the same after this. Just like the knowledge of Dean's panic attacks will change a lot. It always does. Even though Dean insists that he's still _Dean_. That nothing between them is any different now. Nobody ever listened to him though, so he stopped explaining anything altogether.

'For twenty-five years I battled all of my wars alone until the day you and Ro stepped into my life and everything changed. I couldn't even stop it, you two just waltzed your way into it, ignored any kind of protective barriers, and then there came the day I thought _okay, this is it. Your time as the lone wolf is over_.'

His whole life he had told myself he didn't need anyone and suddenly there were two guys who changed that. It had been the best years of his life. But then he grew dependent on them and everything went down the drain. Guess life really loves to fuck him over.

He'd been so stupid, hadn't he?

'Bit by bit I lowered my guard to let you in at my pace. Because deep down I knew you'd leave me as soon as you saw the real me. The one that always drove everyone away. But you didn't and I started to believe – in the first time in fucking ever – that maybe this was fate. That it was the thing everybody around me always kept talking about.'

Soul mates, best friends forever, brothers, lovers. All things Dean has avoided like the pest in his past because he thought he didn't deserve it. Because people told him he wasn't worthy of it. Only sweet and lovable guys could get their happy ever after. That's what people violently beat into his brain with their gigantic fists until he finally understood that no one could ever love a starving, stray, violent dog.

He laughs bitterly and slings his arms around his chest, distancing himself even further from Seth. It's the only way to prevent Dean from hurting himself in front of his friend. He doesn't need to add anything to the _raging lunatic_ stereotype.

'It was... amazing,' he almost spits the word out even though it's the truth. 'You two were able to fill the void, you managed to calm me down, anchored me. The two of you didn't throw me away like some worthless piece of trash. No, you stayed, even after you saw with your own eyes how ruthless and crazy I can get.'

If the right triggers are pulled, he turns into a fucking harbinger of death. It's not safe being around him. 'You were the first real friends I ever had. And the good part?' he asks and turns around, prepared to wipe the anguish off Seth's face. But the other isn't even looking at him.

Seth is kneeling again, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his arm. There's no a single trace of sympathy on his face; just regret. Well, it's too late for that now, isn't it?

'You thought I was worth it. Worth all the trouble I cause, worth the fight to keep me around.' It had been the best feeling in the world because it had proven all those people from his past wrong. He had found a family that loved him. Even someone like him could get that.

'You guys made me realize that, yeah, I can open up and trust you because you were more than just friends. Or business partners,' he adds to provoke Seth but the other just sighs and closes his eyes. Not exactly what he wants.

'The three of us, we were brothers, equals, together and in it for life. But I was wrong again, wasn't I?' He's a fucking idiot. Why did he want to believe so badly that this time it'd be different?

Dean takes a look at his watch. It's almost three am. Roman hasn't answered his text but Dean is sure he's on his way – which means that he has to wrap this story up. 'You, Seth,' he accuses the other and that does make him stir.

He looks up at him, eyes tired and almost lifeless. As if the realization of the true damage he's inflicted on Dean is slowly killing him. 'You proved to me, twice I might add, that I can't trust anyone. That I was right all along. I was born alone, I will die alone and I have to live my life on my own.'

Dean expected a long, thoughtful silence but Seth is already on his feet again, approaching him with a suspicious expression. 'You can cut me out of your life but Roman gets to stay?'

'Well, for one he hasn't betrayed me. And for two, he's _family_. I'm not letting go of it another time. Even if it's the last thing I'll ever do,' he explains in a rushed breath, eager to get it all out before he can take his words back.

Dean wants to throw more at Seth, wants to tell him that he has managed to break their little family completely, so that he and Roman now have to pick up the scattered pieces. That they have to start again from the very beginning and how he hopes so much that one day they will have a relationship in which they don't secretly think _Is he lying to me?_ or _When_ (not if) _will he leave me? How can I ever trust him again?_ but the words refuse to come out of his mouth.

Seth knows this well enough without Dean emphasizing it over and over. And he refuses to give that little suit puppy the satisfaction of defeating them. No matter what happens in the future, Dean won't let go of Roman. He has gotten used to the other so much that losing him forever would surely end Dean's life. Which is probably also the reason why he can't let go of Seth either.

'So you're trusting him but you won't give me a chance?' Seth asks hurt and a tiny bit angry, biting on his bottom lip to keep more accusations from spilling out. Dean throws his hands in the air and sighs loudly. 'Nobody is trusting anyone – thanks to you – and that's exactly the problem!'

Seth tugs at his hair frustatedly, loosening up the knot it had been in and Dean watches with a heavy heart how that perfect hair falls down on the younger's shoulders. His mind instantly wants to take him back to a time before the summit, but he just digs his fingernails deep into the still healing mirror shard wound. At this rate, it'll never close.

'Will you ever be able to forgive me?' Dean shrugs and has to suppress a smile when he sees Roman round the corner behind Seth. Oh God, finally. Roman Reigns to the rescue.

He tries not to look at his brother to not give Seth any reason to turn around. The later he realizes that this is over, the easier it'll be for Roman to walk Dean out of here. 'I don't know, Seth,' he answers slowly and Roman's steps falter a bit.

In fact, he seems to be a bit paler than usual too, if Dean squints his eyes and takes a better, inconspicuous look. Dean has the sinking feeling that Roman has heard a lot of this conversation – maybe more than he had wanted the other to know. This night just keeps getting better and better.

But he has to finish this conversation one way or another; he just needs to take care to not say anything that Roman (or Seth) could take the wrong way. He really doesn't need any more drama.

'It's not like you stole my favorite cookie out of the jar or drank the last beer on earth,' he tries to lighten the mood but the sorrow-stricken glance Seth shoots him shows him he's totally messed it up. Roman manages a thin smile though, so Dean isn't too unhappy about it.

'First of all, you need to give me some time. Actually, a lot of it.' He doesn't add that it probably takes a lifetime until he can trust, forgive or love anyone again; that he'll most likely die before he'll be able to do any of that but he stays silent once again. Some things are better left unsaid.

'Why are you making it so hard for me to redeem myself?' Seth suddenly bursts out, coming dangerously close again and Dean can see Roman taking a few steps closer, concern and the wish to protect written all over his pale face. He holds up a single finger to stop his raging brother without Seth noticing.

' _Why_?' he mocks Seth and pushes him out of the way to walk up to Roman, finally feeling safe and secure again. 'Rome?' he hears Seth breathe in disbelief and smiles triumphantly back at him. 'In the flesh.'

Seth is obviously taken aback, doesn't know what to do or say. He just stands there, hands awkwardly hanging in the air, his whole body tensing up. Roman's arrival means some really bad news and a look of betrayal flashes over Seth's face (now look at that) as soon as he realizes that Dean has called him for backup.

'Ready to go?' Roman wants to know, eyeing Seth warily. Dean nods even though there's a huge part of him that would like to stay and keep Seth close to his heart forever. He needs to shut this side of him down or he'll go completely crazy one day.

'Will you at least answer my question?' Seth pleads, the defeat heavy in his voice. But Dean knows that Seth will get up on his feet again. He may have lost the first battle but the war is far from over.

Roman raises his eyebrows at Dean, sending a silent message that he's fine with waiting, so Dean looks back over his shoulder and says the one thing Seth should already know himself.

'Because we weren't _just_ brothers.'

There's an infuriated outcry erupting behind them, and Dean feels Roman's body stiffen beside him. He's acting kinda weird and it genuinely worries Dean. How much has he heard? Has he heard anything at all? Did something happen that Dean isn't aware of? God, he's too tired to have another meaningful talk about feelings and all that tonight. But then again, he'd do anything for Roman.

'You're making no sense at all!' True. Nothing makes sense to him anymore these days, so why should he act like he's the sanest person around? Dean doesn't know what he's doing most of the time – actually all of the time – and Seth knows that very well. Why is he the one who has to be logical? That's not him.

Roman chuckles quietly, holds up his right fist, and cocks it as if it is a shot gun. The motion almost makes him laugh out loud. There's an unasked question flickering across Roman's eyes and Dean nods with a grin.

Permission granted.

He doesn't watch how Roman walks back to Seth and punches him in his cute face. But he listens to the smack echoing loudly in the alley and Seth doubling over coughing while managing a surprised and shock gasp.

Dean counts Roman's footsteps (four huge ones until he's standing next to him again, handing over his leather jacket) and forces himself to smile when his friend murmurs – loud enough for Seth to hear, 'That felt so good. Should've already done it at the summit.'

Seth doesn't complain, nor does he run after them. He takes his punishment like a man which is maybe the first real surprise of this evening.

'You okay?' Roman whispers and Dean claps him on the shoulder. 'Could ask the same of you. You look horrible.' He expects him to prevaricate but Roman just sags his shoulders and shakes his head slightly. 'It's all just a bit too much to swallow.' Dean bumps playfully into his brother's side until he elicits a faint laugh from the other.

'It'll get easier,' he tries to cheer Roman up but deep down he doubts it will.

* * *

A few days later they're in a nice and comfortable hotel room and Dean is trying to massage his left shoulder to get rid of some of the pain. Seth used to do this before – well, before shit hit the fan and Dean is reluctant to ask Roman.

His brother has acted a bit strange since his conversation with Seth and he's getting more agitated with each passing day, because the last time he watched one of his brothers do that, he ended up with a steel chair in his face and one family member less.

But Roman isn't ready to share his thoughts yet and just like he had to wait for Dean to open up, the only thing Dean can do now is be patient too. Which... yeah. So slamming himself against a wall to drown out pain by adding more pain seems like a pretty legit option until Roman's cell rings on the table.

Roman is showering, so Dean could risk a peek. He's terribly curious about all the texts Roman gets these days while Seth leaves him alone most of the time.

He's debating with himself for about one minute until he growls and decides to punish himself later for invading his best friend's privacy like this. It really is Seth writing him. What could be so important that they constantly talk but leave Dean out of it?

He opens the message after listening to the steady rush of the water from the next room. He doesn't need Roman catching him in the act.

_Dean's injury was not planned. Hope he's alright. Monday: Battle Royal for last vacant MITB spot. You and Dean are banned. I do have a way in for you though: Vickie. These days, she always (!) has to get iced coffee for Hunter/Steph. You know what that means. Oh, and charm her. You got this. I'll take care of Dean. S_

Hold the fucking phone. They're working together now? What the heck happened? Roman will have to answer some serious questions as soon as Dean can bring this up without giving away that he spied on him.

There's just no way to ever get rid of Seth. This proves it. He better starts to – oh, how he hates saying that word – _adapt_ to it. God fucking dammit.


End file.
